GTA: Ross Employee

I'm back from an excruciatingly dull day at work... and the stench of the elderly is still on me. Still, I survived... though one thing stood out for this day. As I was standing by during a lull in the onslaught of the old, a surprisingly hot girl came up and asked if I'd give her an application. I said alright.

That's when the hilarity started. Really, she took the paper and went back, before some crazy cat lady started screaming at me for making her wait a whole five minutes in line, and how back in her day, a pack of stationary didn't cost 1.29, but rather 99 cents. I fought her off with excuses and sarcastic replies of 'I don't make the rules', when the girl came back with her application. I read it over, and noticed she missed part of a page.

The page was something most people don't give a damn about. You know. Can you work in the state, are you mentally disabled, are you an ex-convict, are you an escaped convict, et cetera. I asked her of course, the questions.

Can you work? "Yes." Can you provided your social security. "Um.. yes." Have you committed any felonies? "Uh.. yeah. Grand Theft Auto."

That made me pause and stare. I replied with an 'uh, Okay', and she went on her way, telling me how much she needed this job. I also took a look at her age. She was sixteen. How the hell does a sixteen year old just run around, flashing felony records and such? She could have just written 'autothiev' in tiny letters, and nobody would be the wiser. Maybe those darn video games or 'music videos' are behind such devilry. Maybe she grew up with a kids's My First Hotwiring playset, or a doll of Barbie's less law-abiding minority friends.

As I thought on this, the Boss and Assistant Boss walked in, and I showed the form to them. Also of note was one of them had their own car stolen only a week ago and gutted, leaving oddly the engine, hubcaps and radio intact, but stealing a babyseat and rear seat, as well as a few old wrappers and newspapers. Weird. The responses?

Assistant Boss: No.
Big Boss: Fuck No.

So that's right. Fuck no to you, Grand Theft Auto Girl. It's not like someone spends a half hour of their time filling out pages of forms just to be a douche. I believe again, that spoiled stupidity is to blame. *Shakefist*

It Came from Cosplay #2

Remember last picture? The one featuring our dear genetic accident between a mime and a thrift store clothing department? That's got nothing on this. With angelic hair and a form like graceful nymphs of old, she dances into our hearts... and then rips the squishy bits out with her five-o'clock stubble. BEHOLD the horror that is Man-Chan.

Man-Chan feeds off the living to grow his stubble.

I nearly fell off my ass laughing at the sight of this guy at Con. He ran around, literally twirling and bouncing with each step, somehow completely oblivious that even the Klingons were laughing at him. The klingons for crying out loud. I just wanted to punch a hole through his face, so I can get that damn image out of my head.

My own theories on the origins of the Man-Chan. Born an unloved loser, he found out at a young age his mystical power. Able to change at will into the clothes of women, he then began a crimefighting crusade as Sailor Man-Chan, defender of those who'd rather fend for themselves than let this thing save them. Armed with his lack of shame, he is on a neverending quest to save the one dearest to him: Mother. For without her, he'd have no basement to live in through his thirties.

Newflash: God un-hates the Dinosaurs.

Pesky Dinosaurs. Always throwing a wrench into the nutcases that figure the Earth is 6000 years old. Who are these 'Scientists' with their 'Empyrical Evidence' and 'Repeatable Observation' to content with the Book of Genesis? Who would you believe, a bunch of long dead jews or some white labcoated PhDs?

Today, things have changed. For conclusively, members of People Against Rational Thought.. er... I mean, 'Answers in Genesis', have now created a Dinosaur Theme Park to try and teach kids that god is cool, and that Dinosaurs weren't around 65 million years ago, but rather just 6000 years ago, and they were aboard Noah's Ark too! All of 'em!

Link: http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-dinosaurs27aug27,0,6894033.story?coll=la-home-headlines
Quotes of note:

"They're used to teach people that there's no God, and they're used to brainwash people," [Fundie Asstard Leader] said. "Evolutionists get very upset when we use dinosaurs. That's their star."
Me: Sure. So people believe in science and thinking with your brain because dinosaurs are cool? Maybe burning money and hoping the fumes give peopel hallucinogenic visions would have been a more cost-effective way of getting exposure, dumbasses.

Drivers who pull off Interstate 10 in Pensacola, Fla., are told a far different story at Dinosaur Adventure Land. Its slogan: "Where Dinosaurs and the Bible meet!"
Me: Cage Match! Dinosaurs vs The Bible! Watch as the world's most bullet-attractive book squares off with T-Rex. Not present is any sense of sanity at the creatively named 'Dinosaur Adventure Land', where adventure apparently is a term meaning 'Shitty museum with every display bearing a plaque reading Uh... god did it.'

The dinosaurs, even super carnivores such as T. rex, dined as vegetarians in the Garden of Eden until Adam and Eve sinned — and only then did they feast on other creatures, according to the Christian-based young-Earth theory.
Me: Because a pair of nudists eating an apple from a talking snake causes the T-Rex to change his diet makes perfect sense. Excuse me, while I hit myself in the head repeatedly with this claw hammer.

Carl Baugh opened his Creation Evidence Museum in the 1980s near Dinosaur Valley State Park in Glen Rose, Texas, where some people said fossilized dinosaur tracks and human footprints crisscrossed contemporaneously. The Texas museum sponsors a continuing hunt for living pterodactyls in Papua New Guinea. Baugh said five colleagues have spotted the flying dinosaurs, "but all the sightings were made after dark, and we were not able to capture the creatures."
Me: Clearly, the fact that people have not seen living pterodactyls is the fault of those damned liberal evolutionists and their attempts to kill Jesus. Again. Finding living flying dinosaurs will surely provide Jesus a 1-Up so that he may come back with Dad Mode On...

It just goes on and on. Still, I think the best quote of all from the entire article is the one least hateworthy. Why? Because it makes goddamned sense.
"Dinosaurs lived in the Garden of Eden, and Noah's Ark? Give me a break," said Kevin Padian, [reasonable professor guy] "For them, 'The Flintstones' is a documentary."

Please excuse me, while I present a more plausable way things would have unfolded in picture form...




It's a wonder to see our country is full of such balanced people as the famed Mr. Kent Hovind who funded Dino Ignorance Hilarity Land. This is the same man of course who believes biological evolution is the exact same thing as the big bang, plate techtonics, the theory of relativity, and other 'totally untrue' theories thanks to his extensive education at Patriot University, which has a campus smaller than my house. In fact, it IS a two story house that advertises itself on the back of matchbooks. So whatever! Let's see how badly these guys fail, and blame the jews.

Until next ranting, denizens of the net!

Family Introspective: Comrade Mom

Today, I've decided to begin a series dealing with my family. Unlike traditional angsty livejournalists that whine and gripe about 'the horrible pain', I'll merely explain everything normally. And let the content make you wince, or laugh in pain. First will be my Mother. Or how I like to call her, Comrade Mom.

Right now, she's a nurse at a local hospital. But back in the day, she was a Colonel in the Red Army. No joke, although technically it's the People's Liberation Army of Mao's Glorious People's Republic of China. But that's hard to say. Excuse me while I gasp for air.

Back. Now literally, imagine what you get when you've got a mother whose one part surgeon, one part political officer? Imagine how screwed up your kids get when your own mother tells you of when Private Chang didn't eat his vegetables, and was summarilly executed by a commissar? Her own dad literally was a commissar-general, and was given the oh-so-important job of deciding when his underlings could execute their underlings. Isn't that grand? Can you imagine a mom whose idea of family bonding is telling her kinds the price of failure?

Even more amusing was her account of my dad's mandatory 'training' in the town militia, where he was expected to run up to tanks that drove around at 50 miles per hour, put dynamite on them, and flee for dear life. A perfectly sane activity, I'd imagine. I think that's where they hit it off actually, though I could never get it confirmed by either, who always brushed off how they met with sheepish excuses. Still, having her watch over me studying were some of the scariest moments of my life. Who knows when she'd break out a revolver for 'motivational' purposes? Remember children, Happiness is mandatory under penalty of summary execution.

Attack of the Pays-With-Pennies Ladies!

On a slightly different note from my usual fandom related ranting, this one's got to do with another demographic that's just as bad in many ways: The goddamned elderly.

Not saying all old people are bad. Although a disproportionate number of them enjoy inane activities and cling desperately to any social interaction they can get (not unlike the the disproportionate number of otaku), most are what you could call somewhat alright. That is, until you get them to wait in a line for five minutes.

I'm a college student, so of course, I have to have the shittiest part-time job possible. It's a law of nature. Yeah, I'm a cashier at Ross, the almost-thrift store frequented by those ladies searching for more cat accessories, depressed housewives and confusingly non-anglophonic mexicans. So yesterday, I'm working along, daydreaming about firing all sorts of ordinance into the line that was forming at my register when some lady comes up and literally cleans out the store in miscelaneous cat shit. She starts placing bags, small statues and inspirational posters over my counter, and I ring em up. I tell her the charge, and then she whips out the most dreaded thing of all:

A Carls Jr's takeout bag full of goddamned pennies and nickels. The thing must have weighted twenty pounds, and she payed for her 50 dollar purchase exclusively in coins. Looking back, I should have broken her knees with my register, and told her that there's a bank out the door, about thirty feet away. But nooo, back in reality where she was most certainly not having bones broken, she was counting out the coins after dumping them on my counter. One at a time. This at least was tame compared to when I had to run into the parking lot after some kid trying to shoplift by stuffing things under his shirt until he looked like he was pregnant, but at least roughing him up was entertaining.

Operating System Tans... WTF?

Ever heard of OS-Tans? The weird and sick bastard child of computer nerdiness of the west, and anime fandom of the east? Here's a rundown. Take a big-breasted anime female, you know.. the only kind... and make her based off an operating system, such as Windows XP or 2000. The -tan suffix is some weird malformed fetal version of -chan, and... Oh screw it. I don't know know. all that's certain is that the whole fandom with art, fanfics and such is highly screwed up.

Since clearly, normal people think of their computers as beautiful women, who would never ever make fun of them and reject their advances. Fifty bucks says that in the next ten years, Japanese single males will invent a self-cleaning keyboard. *shudder*. Now, let's get some samples of the subject matter.

My computer likes to touch it's browser in 'that' way. It's quite disturbing.

People in Japan have some really fucking weird fetishes. I don't know what this is, but I know what it's not...

...Okay. So they're now computerized... Kitten... furry... girls.. in swimsuits, touching each other. God, what the hell can't the Japanese turn into something strange as fuck?

I don't even know how something like this could arise. It combines the very worst aspects of the whole OS war thing, the worst aspects of sleezy anime and cellar-dwelling otaku fan art, and adds plain strangeness to it. Then again, this is the same culture that gave us eye gloss, hentai and hug pillows, as well as freaky submissive maid-slave roleplay restauraunts...

Excuse me, I'm going to go get the delousing powder now to get the filth off...

Offense in a Can!

To anyone I've not yet offended, I've got a bit of a treat. A new section of my sidepanel are now linking to old articles I've written about various subjects, all of interest. We've got that godawful anime movie, End of Evangelion, the fearsomely terrible David Lynch Dune movie, my own horrifying personal convention encounter with Man-Yuna, the many, many problems of Scientology and it's nuclear volcano ghosts, as well as blunt observations about Breakfast Cereal and Dirty, Dirty Pr0n.

Also, for my awe-inspiring moment of the day. You know Pat Robertson, head of the Christian Coalition? Just when you thought the man couldn't get any stupider after blaming 9/11 on Rock and Roll, Women's Sufferange, and this newfangled 'Inter-Web' or whatever that cockamamie contraption is called, he has to say this...

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different...More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

I never knew it was that bad. But how could I have missed the secret Liberal Media Death Squads? Do Black Vans bearing the logo of the New York Times come occasionally to 'disappear' people? Did I miss window smashing done by armband-toting child members of the Michael Moore Youth? Maybe the smashing and systematic execution of 125 million Christians over the last five years just passed over my head.

Alright, this isn't downright funny (or terrifying) in the way a man trying to dress in a female game character's kimodo is. But it's hilarious just to listen to a useless old coot whine about how persecuted he is in America. Seig Dumbass!

It Came from Cosplay #1

Every now and then, I'll present to the world the absolute darkside of fandom: That's right, the Cosplayers. Before I get attacked by plastic sailor moon wands, I'll say this. Not all cosplay is bad, namely those that involve attractive people and those with a sense of shame. However, for every one of those, there's about sixty or so that fit well into the category of cosplay horror. It's downright horrifying at times, while merely hilarious at others.

Down to business. Prepare to meet today's IT CAME FROM COSPLAYYYY(echo), a man from Comicon who resembles some weird genetic engineering mishap combining Michael Jackson with a bowl of Fruit Pebbles...




Note how intently this man is staring at the girl right there in the bottom left corner. He's probably got a few strands of her hair, a bunch of toenail clippings and belongings of her in a makeshift shrine, along with some easilly shatterable hopes ever since his Rei Ayanami hug pillow rejected him.

Regarding his outfit... what the hell is he? Did he fall into a vat of spray-on Emo while time traveling to the 70's? Perhaps he's that newfangled superhero, Aneurysm Man, who defeats good taste with his heart-exploding apperance? Excuse me while I black out.

Now, if this image haunts you, just remember... Thrift-store reject clothing is not shotgun resistant. Just sleep with one curled up in your arms every night, and blast anything that opens your door. That'll solve everything.

Napalm for the Internet Soul

Face it. People are idiots. Look all around you, and you will see idiots. You're one of them too, to someone, and so am I. Now, we all know suddenly that these newfangled 'Bloggers' are gaining actual credibility, without that silly accountability or responsability of real media.So why then, not use the power of the internet to laugh at these people? That's right. I'll be using this space as my personal rantground and den of mock when it comes to the unwashed masses? Ever wanted to just punch that local group of goth kids who play Vampire: The Masquerade? Ever wanted to strangle whoever writes those goddamned Final Fantasy fanfics involving furries and d/s? Ever wanted to bomb the crap out of the Scientologists for their brand of bullshit revolving around Space Emperor Xenu?

Welcome then. Here, we'll be covering some or all of the above topics, each deserving of hate in their own little ways. They all do taste like burning, and encourage self-inflicted mental Seppuku. So why not talk about them, mmmm? I'm not going to be nice. I'm not going to be kind, or fair. What I will be is for the most part, bluntly honest, and that honesty will be hilarious. If you don't think so, well. Go soak your head in a bucket of acid. I won't mind at all.