People I can't Stand #1 - Kent Hovind

Welcome back, fellow internet survivalists to your weekly dose of libel mixed in with the easily annoyed rantings of one person utterly sick of stupid people, and the bullshit they peddle. In today’s installment of Idiots in the Mist, I will take you through a magical journey of exactly how fucked up a person can be, while still having the competency to remember to inhale every couple of seconds.

Let’s discuss this individual in detail first, before I get to the gritty, hard-hitting commentary. ‘Doctor’ Kent Hovind, a famous person in some circles. Born shiftless, dishonest and stupid, not much has changed since this wonderful example of humanity learned to crap in a plastic sack. Blessed with the power of the shit-faced lie, he enrolled at Patriot University, a prestigious institution smaller than my house, where he received a ‘Doctorate’, Majoring in Analytical Bullshit and earning a Minor in plugging his ears and pouting when people call him on it. His major claim to fame afterwards, was this man’s leading role in the ‘Scientific Creationism’ movement, a movement about as scientific as your average tarot card reading. He bravely argued that the whole of scientists, engineers, physicists, biologists and people with a frontal lobe are liars and part of a grand conspiracy, making up the ‘lies’ of Evolution, Chemistry, and why the earth is not fucking five thousand years old. No doubt upset by the claims of people who came from reputable universities and earned it through that damnable ‘hard work’, Kent rebukes them with a brilliant list of bullet points written with the skill of the average high-schooler trying to make a PowerPoint presentation the night before it’s due. Here are some classic examples. Let’s rip these beauties apart, shall we?

"I'm not trying to get evolution out of the textbooks, nor am I trying to get creationism into the textbooks. What I'm trying to do is get the lies out of the textbooks.”

How convenient that one as erudite and educated as ‘Doctor’ Hovind can discern truth. Everyone of course knows that a 2000 year old book written by wandering storytellers totally beats out the combined knowledge of Geology, Astronomy, Mathematics, and basically anything Dr. Hovind learned of at mail-order grad school.

“[Hovind] urged his audience to study convincing new evidence of humans living with dinosaurs [at a lecture in 1999]”

Before we get into this, this one’s a rather funny story. It seems our good Doctor actually took an article written on April 1st, as a Joke, and immediately clung onto it the same way your average star wars nerd clings to any hint of boobs.

Don’t forget a few beauties from his long list of general stupidity. Like so…

“What is so scientific about the idea of hydrogen as becoming human?”
At least we know hydrogen exists, not like an unseen bearded guy. Of course, this is about the same as asking ‘How can a tree become my desk’. Or ‘How come a brain tumor can have an IQ higher than me, Kent Hovind PhD’?

“How can mutations (recombining of the genetic code) create any new, improved varieties? (Recombining English letters will never produce Chinese books.)”
Yes, that’s right. He’s somehow suggesting that genes can’t become other genes, by using his amazing knowledge that letters aren’t the same. I hope he didn’t cite Sesame Street for the thesis on his ‘Theory of Letter Not Sameness’.

Either way. You’re a fuckup, Kent Hovind. An utter waste of flesh. But just to humor your theories about Noah being able to collect every living creature, and the millions of tons of food to support them all within walking distance of his house, I have an artistic interpretation of what exactly would happen...

Have a nice day now, Internet.