Nintendo, France and Urine...

For those who've been keeping track, the next generation of console game machines have long since been announced and info is gradually being released about some of them. Microsoft's XBox 360 has already been released and has almost double digit sales. Sony's Playstation 3 is equipped with a miraculous boomerang-shaped controller that can return to you after being flung at the screen for wasting you 800 dollars. And now, the Nintendo Revolution, with it's revolutionary remote control technology has a new name.

...it's now called, the Nintendo 'Wii'.

http://revolution.nintendo.com/

No fucking joke. It's now called 'Wii', not to be confused for 'Oui', which means Yes in french, or 'Wee' which is what comes out of my manly-end after drinking a Big Gulp of Sprite. When the hell did Nintendo get so lazy or stupid with naming conventions? Other game consoles are called stuff like 'Dreamcast' or 'Playstation'. Words that have meaning. But 'wii'? This sets a bad precedent of allowing disconnected syllables to become proper names. Imagine in the far-out future year of 200X, when kids beg their parents to buy them a brand new Nintendo Splorch.

Now what the hell is a 'wii'? Nintendo claims it means 'we', as in. You or me. The people who think it's a fucking retarded name. It represents two people, or two remote controls, clicking at the same time or some other bullshit regarding what letters look like. Let's quote Nintendo, shall we?

Wii will break down the walls seperating video game players from everyone else
Wii will put people more in touch with their games... and each other. But you're probably asking, what does the name mean?
Wii sounds like 'we' which emphasizes this console is for everyone
Wii can be easilly remembered by everyone around the world, no matter what language they speak. No need to abbreviate, just 'Wii'.
Wii has a distinctive 'ii' spelling that symbolizes both the unique controllers and the image of people gathering to play.
And Wii, as both a name and a console, brings something revolutionary to the world of video games that sets it apart from the crowd.
So that's Wii. But now, nintendo needs you.
Because it's not really about you or me.
It's about Wii.
And together, Wii will change everything.

So congratulations, Nintendo. You've hired high-school poetry writers, grading them on using metaphors. If I was a teacher, I'd give this a C-. Anyone else think the last line of this public statement sounds sinister? 'Wii' will change everything? What the hell is this, some James Bond superweapon?

Whatever. Wii is memorable alright. France pisses on Wii. Flame away, Nintendo-fans. Because goddamn, this is an unbroken chain of stupid. Revolution was a perfectly good name, but I suppose the Urinating French Overlords of Nintendo had bad experiences with revolutions before. God, I need to get the sound of that syllable out of my head.

(By the way, Regular Updates Monday or Tuesday from now on.)

Convention of the Damned

(Tastes Like Burning presents a ghastly find. The Transcript recently uncovered of a private investigator's last hours...)

The Audio-Journal of J.B. Johnson, Private Eye.

April 19, 8:24PM
I can't believe it. I've got my first gig in two months. It's just a tour of the Old Convention Center, for some missing girl, twelve year old Sarah Williams. Shouldn't be a big deal. I should be home by tomorrow. Not my usual deal, but the pay is good. Looking for some lost kid still pays the bills.

*click*

April 20, 2:17AM
I've made it inside. I can't see a damned thing. Goddamn flashlight isn't covering well. The place smells of death. I hear the horror stories people throw around about this place, but didn't believe em until now. No sign of the girl. I don't think I'll---

*thudding noise*

Wait! There's something. Movement... Ten meters. Eight meters... good god, it's in the ceiling! They're all over the fucking ceiling!

*gunshots, loud roar in the distance*



Good God, it's coming at us!

Fuck! They're all over the place.. w-w-olf... people!

*sounds of running and heavy breathing*

What the hell are they? Where did they come from?

*more gunfire*

Wait.. there's a light ahead. What-- what's that smell? Bacon? HEY! Whoever's out there, run for it! There's something behind me. Get down, lady! Get--d----



*Gunfire, intermixed with explosions and flailing hideous shrieks of 'naniiii!'*

April 20, 3:54AM

...I think I got lost them. My god, that was... that was horrible. I'm hiding now in the security office, and already I can see on cameras that this place is full of those horrible creatures. Mutants perhaps, or a kind of thing called 'Furry'. I already found the diary of a security guard here. To anyone who may find this recorder should I die... I can't find the girl. Perhaps those things already killed her.

They... were people once. People with desires that they couldn't share with others. They... wanted to be animals. They wanted to frolick in the wilds and gather berries. Eventually... the urge overcame them. They became 'furries'... people who thought they were animals. Others who lost their minds in fantasy became other creatures of unspeakable horror. They are now writhing daemon-spawn called 'cosplayers'. Drawn to conventions by sensing own kind... they all multiplied. They destroyed every sane human being here.

Wait. What's this...? No..! they're destroying the security cameras. Damn, they found me! Got to get out of h---

*click*

April 23, 11:54PM

I'm... so tired. It's been three goddamned days. I've been holding out, but it's been tough. Just two bullets left. Should I end it now? No. I can't. There's a little girl in here who needs me. Sarah...

Wait. Something's coming. Sarah? It's... oh thank g-- wait. Something's wrong.

Oh Jesus Christ.



It hungers like a million ravenous mouths, crying in pain. Whatever this is.. it isn't natural. Not a being crafted by the hand of any merciful god.

I'm sorry, Sarah. I've failed. It looks like the end.. it looks like t---

*HIDEOUS SHRIEKING. RECORDING ENDS*

Tom Cruise: Alien-hater. Douchebag. Cannibal?

Whisky-Tango-Foxtrot.

Tom Cruise, the man who 'knows' the secret history of Psychiatry as an art started by alien death-squads... behold! The sheer sanity of this well balanced individual, our last, best hope against... this.

"All which is not dead can eternal lie, and only by Tom Cruise even death may die."

Now back on topic... this well balanced individual wants to try a new delicacy. The flesh of babies. BAAABIES. Nice ripe placenta, with a side of rice and a coke?

Perhaps he saw that South Park episode, where Christopher Reed gains superpowers by sucking stem cells out of fetuses, but this is about on par.

Let's see a few related quotes...

The actor, who recently also claimed he has the power to cure drug addicts, has even been carrying out his own medical scans on the foetus after buying himself an ultrasound machine.

"And scientifically it is proven. Now there are medical research papers that say when a woman's giving birth everyone should be quiet." [cruise said]

The Mission Impossible star, 43, said: "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there." It is the latest in a series of increasingly strange outbursts from Cruise in the run-up to the birth.

Congrats Cruise. Enjoy your meal. I think I've got your next movie figured out.

Tastes like returning!

Hey denizens of the internet. Guess that long break's over, if any of you still read this. No matter. It's not like one can run out of material when anime fans remain themselves.

Take a look at one shining example of humanity I saw at last year's Comicon for example.



Yeah. You look real japanese right there, pal. My head is burning from the phraise 'biscuit sticks covered in strawberry cream'.