Left Behind: The Rapture Game

While fighting my way through the dreck that is the internet this week, I stumbled across a most excellent find. It was called LEFT BEHIND, a game about the end of the world from evangelical christian fundamentalists. You know, the guys who bomb abortion clinics and can't read the damned constitution on the separation of church and state. Alright, let's get the libel machine rolling!

Well then. Behold. Their game's box art sucks, so I thought I'd make my own. Took about 20 minutes, but I think it ended up way better than their peice of shit.

(Click Battle Armor Jesus for a bigger image)

Now, onto describing this game. In LEFT BEHIND, you command the forces of Tribulation Force, an elite christian commando group fighting the antichrist forces, which have invaded the earth using their agents in the United Nations. Because it's the rapture, all the babies (non aborted ones only, obviously) are chilling in heaven, and now evils like Jews, Atheists, Hindus, Muslims and Gays roam the Earth. Thanks to UN Decree, christianity is for some reason outlawed, and so they fight back in the only way they know how... praying. Good luck, chumps.

You, as the commander of Tribulation Force must fight off evil anti-christ UN terror soldiers and score points by converting them, or random people you meet on the street with your soldiers. If you kill someone, you lose spirituality points and must regain them by praying. (Yes. Because clearly, killing someone is totally OK, as long as you pray for 10 seconds aftewards).

Angels and Demons reinforce you armies, based on if you want to be on the side of Jeeeeesus, or that of evil. Jesus gives you angels and other wussy stuff, unless he comes in person to wield an automatic grenade launcher presumably, like on my awesome box-art. Satan meanwhile of course, employs units like Demon Hounds, Hellraiser Soldiers, and moneylending Jews.

Also, if you kill too many people or the forces of evil lower your soldier's spirituality points enough, he may convert to satan-worship, or be corrupted by the evil gayness. Features (as taken directly from their game site, as well as my own more interesting commentary) are listed below.

· Lead the Tribulation Force from the book series , including Rayford, Chloe, Buck and Bruce against Nicolae Carpathia – the AntiChrist. (Also, very few people care and the antichrist has a stupid ass name)

· Conduct physical & spiritual warfare : using the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat and wield modern military weaponry throughout the game world. (Because prayer obviously shoots down nuclear weapons, battle tanks and fighter planes)

· Recover ancient scriptures and witness spectacular Angelic and Demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices. (Imagine a game where you fight to get to the bible shop on time! OH NO! PERSECUTION!)

· Command your forces through intense battles across a breathtaking, authentic depiction of New York City . (Authentic except of course, for the fact that for some reason, gays, jews, hindus and atheists are fighting side by side with demons and shit)

· Control more than 30 units types - from Prayer Warrior and Hellraiser to Spies, Special Forces and Battle Tanks! (Prayer Warriors! That reminds me of DARKSIDED Lady.)

· Enjoy a robust single player experience across dozens of New York City maps in Story Mode – fighting in China Town , SoHo , Uptown and more! (Nobody should go to those places in real life, so why would you make such them into a game?!)

· Play multiplayer games as Tribulation Force or the AntiChrist's Global Community Peacekeepers with up to eight players via LAN or over the internet! (Assuming anyone buys this peice of shit dominionist propaganda. Everyone else, buy better games like Dawn of War, Command and Conquer, or Pong.)

Isn't this something? A game that not only is about thinly veiled bigotry, but also a terrible peice of dreck. I saw one of these in a software store just a few days ago, and it's got the biggest box ever too, just to be more prominent. Picking it up and shaking it left a pleasant rattling noise as the unprotected CD was bouncing around inside, with no manual or anything of value. Presumably, that's the same noise the typical player of this game makes when held upside down and shaken.

Anyway, that's my ten minutes of libel. If I get sued, I'm sure mecha-jesus up there will fill my attackers full of explosive lead. I've got a meeting at Evil Atheist Command in five minutes, so see-ya!